To Our Readers: Mr. Garrity, via burner phone, says that he is making final edits on his upcoming e-book, Tour Tempo 2: The Short Game and Beyond. “Recall the IT staff and renew trash pickup,” he said, followed by some language I couldn’t decipher due to loud conversation and the rattling of silverware at his end. He refused to divulge his whereabouts, but he offered a hint: “The Hague.”
The skeleton crew here at Catch Basin suspects that “The Old Man” (as we are paid to affectionately call him), is actually on a North Carolina golf holiday. We deduce that from the sudden advancement (from No. 51 to No. 18) of Mid Pines Inn & Golf Club of Southern Pines, N.C. and the appearance, at No. 50, of the Country Club of North Carolina Dogwood Course of Pinehurst, N.C. Inasmuch as the IT staff has been on unpaid leave (and since Mr. Garrity is traveling with the Bomar Brain), the updated rankings have to be The Old Man’s work. Also, we found a filled-out entry form for the Golf Writers annual golf tournament on his desk. (He listed his handicap as 10. LOL)
“Big things are in the works,” he shouted before hanging up.
While we wait for further orders, we’re dusting the computer room tarps and checking the mousetraps. We’ll keep you informed.
Thank you for your understanding,
Ethan Mobely, v.p. customer relations/outsourcing
Top 50 on TV: The Masters will be held, once again, at the fourth-ranked Augusta National Golf Club and the 47th-ranked Augusta National Practice Range.
One response to “Carolina Courses Advance in Ranking”
I must report that I too attended said Golf Writers Tournament and had the good fortune/dubious fate of encountering Mr Garrity while there.
For those unfamiliar with Mr Garrity please allow me to describe him; He very tall, skinny and rangy very much like Ichabod Crane. True to his Mid West roots he is quite dorky looking with a filthy old hat from some ratty sheep farm 9 holer in Ireland, frayed pants and one of those goofy eye glass straps holding his bi-focals on his head. I’m sure he has a pocket protector for his dress shirts.
After having to be found just before our tee time, he arrives on the first tee announcing he has some sort of injury, has withdrawn from competition and “will be hitting just a few shots.” He then proceeed to hit a few shots alright, all 120 of them.
Somehow in the course of the round he mistook my basic only courtesy as sort of genuine interest in what he had to say and what he was doing with his life. This lead to an invite back to his hotel room to view the vaunted (in his mind anyway) Bomar Brain.
Not wanting to break his heart, I consented to coming over to see this thing figuring it would pacify him and he might leave me alone the rest of the week.
Well Sweet Jesus, I get to the room and he acting like a little kid showing off his new and prized toy. All I can see is a mass of wires and a bunch of boxes with tubes. It looks dangerous to me.
He sits down and fires the thing up and all hell breaks loose. The wires start buzzing and the tubes start flashing and there is that sickening odor of an electrical fire. He’s hunched over the controls with this wild eyed look and he turns to me with this crazy grin on his face. I’m thinking, Lord, what have I done? I was just trying to humor a crazy old Midwesterner and now I’m going to die in a fire in a rickety old wood frame dorm building in North Carolina.
Now, with my “fight or flight” hormones kicking in I head for the door yelling back over my shoulder, “Sorry Johnny, The Big Boy has got to roll. Luv ya!”
He says, “No, no, don’t go now, the Bomar Brain is just warming up, it will be alright, I do this all the time.”
Not wanting to break his heart I agree to stay for a few minutes longer but position myself by the door.
He starts showing me all the logorithms or algorithms or some kind of rithms on how he does his course rankings.
Ah, John, that’s very cool, can I go now?
He says OK but not before inviting me to come to Kansas City to see the World Headquarters. Believe it or not I had been thinking of visiting Kansas City only because I’ve visited just about every place else and they have good barbeque. Now I’m having real second thoughts.